A FUNNY THING ......
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A funny thing happened to me on the way to the Lodge tonight!
Here are some jokes and anecdotes. Some things that have made us chuckle over the years.
If you have anything that you wish to contribute to this page click on the clown opposite to email us or the email address below.
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The hangman was about to put the rope round the neck of the man convicted of murder. “Have you anything to say before you die?” the hangman asked. “I didn’t stand a chance!” complained the convicted man. “The man I’m supposed to have killed was a freemason. The policeman who investigated the crime was a freemason, and so was the Judge. Nobody believed a word I said“Oh, dear!” said the hangman. “You certainly have been unlucky. But don’t worry, I’ll make things as easy for you as I can - just take one short pace forward with your left foot!” top↑
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A candidate was cycling to the lodge for his initiation, when his bicycle chain snapped. Unable to repair it, and scared he’d be late for the meeting, he tried to thumb a lift. A car eventually stopped, and though it was full, the driver agreed to tow the man to the venue. Later a brother of the lodge asked the man how he had enjoyed his initiation. “Fine!” he replied. “But how did they know I got here with a free wheel and a cord”? top↑
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A ragged tramp stopped a Mason on his way home from the lodge and asked him for money for food. “I’ll do better than that!” said the Mason. “Come into the pub, and I’ll buy you a drink!” “Thank you!” said the beggar. “But I’ve never drunk and I never will!” “Well, let me buy you some cigarettes then!” said the Mason. “No, thanks!” said the tramp, “I’ve never smoked and I never will!” “Okay”, said the Mason. “Come back to the lodge with me and I’ll see you get a meal!” “No, thanks”, said the man. “I’ve never entered a masonic lodge and I never will!” “Right, then”, said the Mason “Will you please come home with me and meet my wife!” “Why?” asked the tramp. “Well”, said the Mason. “I just want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke and hasn’t joined the Masons!” top↑
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During the harmony, a speaker asked if there was any member who would allow his wife to be slandered and say nothing. He was surprised when a brother stood up. The speaker repeated his question, and the brother resumed his seat. “Sorry!” he said. “I thought you said slaughtered!” top↑
A mason went out to meetings a lot. “You never take me anywhere”, his wife complained. At 5.00 next morning, he woke her up and said, “Come to work with me!” top↑
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A latecomer groped his way into the Lodge during a third degree. Finally he found a seat and sat down next to a brother. The brother peered at him through the dark. “Could you move up a bit”, he said. “I’ve got to play the organ in a minute!”top↑
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The Mason answered the ‘phone. “Yes, Right Worshipful Master!” he said. “Certainly, Right Worshipful Master! I’ll do that, Right Worshipful Master. Thank you, Right Worshipful Master!” “Goodness!” said his wife when he put the phone down. “You’re not so quick to do things for me. I wish I was your Right Worshipful Master”. “So do - I” snapped the Mason. “We get to change him every couple of years!” top↑
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Some definitions:
I.P.M.
Deacons
Installations
Treasurer
Charge after initiation
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Immediate Prompt Master
Chair leaders
One out, all out
the In lodge Revenue
To the bar!
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Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous lightbulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain about the way they USED to screw in lightbulbs. |
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Walking past a Masonic Regalia shop, one of two friends noticed an advert in the window ‘ Masonic Parrots for sale’.
Curiosity made them enter the shop and enquire” What is this Masonic Parrot advert all about”.
The shopkeeper immediately showed them through to the back room where there, on a tall perch, was a Parrot, light blue in colour. “ That’s a Master Parrot. He can recite all three degrees word perfect” he said.
“How much” they asked………….. “ £ 10,000.00” he said.
“ That’s a lot of money the first friend retorted. Have you any other Parrots”
“ Yes”, said the shopkeeper. He went in the back and returned with this magnificent Dark Blue Parrot. “ This is a Provincial Grand Parrot”. He said. “ It can recite all three degrees and all the addresses in the back of the book that no one ever looks at. Word perfect. He will cost you £ 25,000.00”.
“Blimey!”, said the Friend. Have you anything cheaper.
The shopkeeper disappeared again and returned with this slightly scruffy old bird in Dark Blue but with gold braid down its wings and on its tail. “ This is a Grand Parrot” he said. “ he is only Ten Quid”
“What does he do”.
“ Nothing he just sits there shaking his head and going tut, tut…………. tut, tut.”
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This Jewish tailor has his premises under a Masonic temple. Every time there's a function on, all he can hear all evening is Wardens' wands, gavels, secret knocks and the occasional goat. No peace the tailor gets. One evening there's this huge crowd of them upstairs for a Third. Atrocious racket. The tailor goes mental, beats hell out of the ceiling with his broom, screaming abuse at all and sundry. Two minutes later, the Outer Guard is at his door, nice as ninepence.
"Yes? What seems to be the matter, sir?" the good Brother asks the irate tailor.
"What's the matter? What's the matter?! I'm going meshuggeneh down here with all that racket, you schlemiel!"
"Wait, now" protests the Outer Guard in confusion. "Who did you say were?"
"Who am I, you putz?" the tailor screams, " I'm the Jew below!"
"Oh well, you better get upstairs right now. They're looking for you!"
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Wife says to her husband - "Why do you spend so much time in the toilet with that little black book?"
"Well, dear, it is the only tyled room in the house!"
How many Past Masters does it take to change a light bulb? Change it! Why?
WM "What, in your present situation, is the foremost wish of your heart?"
Can "A Beer"
JD "Light!"
Can "OK, a Lite Beer!"
A wife heard her husband come back into the house not too long after he had left for the night. She said, "Honey, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting." "It was postponed." He replied. "The wife of the Generalisimo Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him attend tonight."
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A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to God. The postman seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it.
It was from a man who was down on his luck and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week.
The posman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twentny five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did.
Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to God. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send it through the Knights of Columbus next time as the Masons kept half.
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It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter.
He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?"
Proudly the Master replied, "Old Adage Lodge #1."
St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in puzzlement, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time.
He asked why and St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual.
The Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it.
St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the kitchen, of course."
"The kitchen," said the Master?
"Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."
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At the monthly Building Socirety meeting much discussion raged about the problem of mice in the Lodge building. Of course several sugestions on how to be rid of them were offered. Mouse traps. mouse poison. Buy a cat. Call an exterminator. The building manager took all this advice under consideration and it was agreed that at the next meeting he would make a report on his progress. Sure enough at the next meeting he was questioned. Did you use my idea of a cat? Did you use mine of traps? Finally he said, "All the mice are gone." All wanted to know how he had accomplished such a feat. "Well...I swore all the mice in as MM and have not seen them since!"
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| Bro John and Bro Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting. When John takes his apron out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case. Mike asks: "I say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff?" John gives a quick look and whispers: "You remember the installation meeting last year ?" Mike acknowledges and John goes on: "Keep it a secret, but on the way home I stopped at the pub on where I met this lovely female. Apparently she lost her stockings in my car, and my wife found them. I told her I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'm out of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves !"
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